Problems with Control in a Relationship

What does it look like when a person tries to control someone else? 

• Saying who they can hang out with, where they can go, or what they can wear. 
• Accusing the other person of cheating or sneaking around. 
• Making them report where they are at all times. 

Why do people try to control others? 

• They might incorrectly think it will help them avoid feeling jealous or angry. 
• They might incorrectly think they have the right to tell their partner what to do. 
• They might have experienced abuse, control, or neglect in other relationships.  
• They may not have seen healthy relationships. 

What should I do if I am trying to control my partner? 

• Stop the controlling behaviors. Don’t tell them where they can go or what they can do. 
• Remember that you are only in charge of yourself.  
• Talk with people who support you or a professional who will help you. 
• Calm down before you talk to your partner so you feel less like controlling them. 
• If either partner feels uncomfortable or unsafe, they always have the right to leave.  

What should I do if my partner is trying to control me? 

• Tell them how you feel. See if they are open to talking and changing. 
• Remember that you are only in charge of yourself.  
• Don’t blame yourself. You didn’t do anything to make the other person act this way. 
• If you can, take a break when things are heated. It’s best to talk when everyone is calm. 
• If either partner feels uncomfortable or unsafe, they always have the right to leave.  

Source: Stepping Stones – Improving Relationships and Sexual Health (Public Health – Seattle & King County)