Getting Consent

Consent means getting a person’s permission or agreement for something. Getting consent for sexual acts is a very important part of healthy relationships. It is also a law that everyone must follow. You may not have seen many good examples of how to ask for consent. That can make it seem like no one really asks for consent, which isn’t true. This sheet explains how to ask for consent and how to know if your partner has given consent.  

Ask your partner: “Do you want to… (name the sexual act)?”  

The only way to know if your partner wants to do something sexual with you is to ask them every time. It is never okay to force, threaten, or insist on sex. Here are some ways to ask: “Can I…?” “Do you want to…?” “Do you want me to do…to you?” “Would you do…to me?” Practice until you find the words that feel just right to you. 

Both partners have to give consent: you and them. 

Both people must agree to any sexual acts.  

“Yes” only counts as “yes” when a person is awake, sober, and not being forced, tricked, or threatened. 

In a healthy relationship, neither person forces, threatens, tricks, or wears down the other person into saying “yes.” That is sexual assault, and it is against the law.  

Pay attention to body language. 

Stop what you are doing if your partner freezes, backs away, looks upset, or tries to leave. You only have consent if they clearly communicate they want to do a sexual act with their words and body language. 

What should you do if your partner doesn’t consent to a sexual act? 

If a person does not agree to a sexual act, it is always their partner’s job to listen to them. Don’t do the sexual act. Be nice about it, even if you are disappointed. Ask what they would like to do instead (it might be a different sexual act or it might be stopping).  

Source: Stepping Stones – Improving Relationships and Sexual Health (Public Health – Seattle & King County)